'The basis of optimism is sheer terror.' – Oscar Wilde

Sometimes finding something wrong is a good thing. For the past several weeks (months, maybe) I've been having pain in my hip. Last week I had an ultrasound to see what was actually wrong. Today I met with a specialist. She said either a muscle tear or swelling and inflammation are likely the problem. In one sense this is a positive result because I'm not crazy or a hypochondriac. There really is something measurable wrong. Through past experiences and the intangibility of migraines, I sometimes start to wonder if it's all in my head, metaphorically. I'm glad there's a good chance this hip issue isn't chronic. Already it's a better diagnosis than migraines.

'[Migraine] is what I sell, it's my stock in trade.' – Marlene Dietrich

I haven't had a migraine in over a week (knock on wood, rub my lucky rabbit's foot, throw salt over my left shoulder etc.). Instead I've been experiencing pain in my hip, which extends down my leg. So this afternoon I got to thinking: would I trade weekly migraines for hip pain? For now the answer is yes. I feel like I could treat hip pain better than the myriad migraine symptoms. Also, hip pain doesn't carry with it as many emotional side-effects. I'm sure if I had chronic, incurable hip pain that stopped me from bike riding, playing tennis, going for walks, sitting for long road trips, sleeping comfortably etc., then perhaps I'd rethink the swap.

"Bart Sells His Soul" ©Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation 

This reminds me of a Simpsons episode when Bart makes a trade with Millhouse: Bart's soul for $5. What follows are all sorts of unintended consequences for Bart. It's a pertinent warning, even if my migraine-for-hip swap is as imaginary as Bart and Millhouse.

'Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth.' – Mike Tyson

This will be a busy, social week. Monday was breakfast with a friend, then work. Tuesday I have writing class, then work until 8pm. On Wednesday it's class again, followed by work, then short film awards for this year's students. In the morning on Thursday I have a meeting, then work, and book club in the evening. Friday is a normal, full day of work.

In order to get through it all without falling into a cycle of migraines, I need to make a plan.

1. Take Monday afternoon off work when a bad headache hits.
2. Think about taking Tuesday off work because I'm still feeling achey.
3. Skip Wednesday morning's class so I hopefully have enough energy to make it through the awards show.
4. Meditate each morning and take it easy each evening. 
5. Go to bed early.
6. Have a nap or do yoga between work and book club on Thursday.
7. Give myself permission to take Friday off if needed.

'Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.' – Alfred Hitchcock

At 8.30pm tonight I was going to turn off the TV because I didn't think there was anything on. I had had half an hour of post-work decompression and it was time to do yoga. Instead I stumbled onto Felicity Ward's Mental Mission documentary. It was excellent: touching, funny, poignant, engaging and important. I could identify with a lot of what she said. Some of the points made about depression – it being isolating, feeling like it's never going to end but knowing logically that it will etc. – were also relevant to migraines. If you're able to watch it, I strongly recommend it.

'In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.' – Dalai Lama

I decided this morning that my brain is my own worst enemy. It's the cause of the migraines and it generates the symptoms. More annoyingly it tries to trick me with logic. This morning I was thinking, thanks to my brain, that if I'm still having one migraine a week, then why am I on nightly preventative pills, which could be doing all sorts of other things to my body. Then I reminded myself of how much worse it was when I wasn't taking any medication. So I'm still migrainey and taking pills, which may or may not be working.

Brainade by Emilio Garcia

'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...' – Charles Dickens

I've been feeling cold and tired all day. This is despite getting eight or nine hours of sleep last night – although I was a little restless at first – and it being a sunny, almost twenty degree day. In the afternoon I had a bath to try to warm up. I lay on the couch reading for a while but didn't actually fall asleep. The thing that bothers me about these feelings is I don't know if they're normal weekend lethargy after a busy week or if they're pre-cursers to a migraine.

How do you tell the difference between normal life-effects and symptoms?

'There is no sincerer love than the love of food.' – George Bernard Shaw

I've been on this dose of my current daily medication for several weeks. The preventative medication  is working fairly well, but there is a downside. Until now I thought I was handing it well, but it seems not. The problem is that I never feel full and as soon as I think about a certain food, I crave it. I was told that a side effect could be weight gain and I was fine with that since I'd lost some weight during the beginning of the year when I was getting ongoing migraines. I figured I could manage it; I didn't anticipate how the weight would be gained,  i.e. how hard never feeling full would be. Today I put on some pants that used to fit perfectly, have been too loose for the past seven or eight months and now are tight. Now I'm going to have to rely on my will power, of which I'm not blessed with much. I plan to ride to work as often as I can and redouble my efforts not to eat much after 8pm, even if I get home from work around then.

'A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.' – Mark Twain

About once a week I wake up in the morning and feel very strongly that I don't want to go to work or writing class. I know lots of people don't like going to work or school – this is different. It's almost on the level of a physical repulsion. Sometimes I'm able to take time off, coddle myself and stay in bed. Usually I tell myself not to be a baby. That's what I did this morning, but as I was walking to the train station I got dizzy, weepy and uncoordinated. That made me wonder if my just-waking-I-don't-want-to-do-anything feeling was really an early warning system or a bizarre symptom of the impending migraine.

Does this happen to anyone else?

'You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.' – Margaret Thatcher

I'm always surprised when an anxiety attack hits. I'll be doing something mundane, then there it is. It comes out of nowhere, feeding on nothing logical and lasts for no pre-determined time. It's been months since my last bout of panic, since that gripping, heart-pounding doomsday feeling took over.

Today while I was editing and preparing a story for a competition entry, anxiety attacked. I felt overwhelmed and out of control despite the conditions of my reality being calm and autonomous. I put aside my rising panic long enough to submit the story, ignoring the voice in my head screaming that it wasn't ready. Then, when that didn't stop the attack, I went outside to weed the garden. In a surprisingly short time the act of having a definite, productive task with a measurable outcome calmed my mind. I think the physical exertion also helped. Now I just need to remember that and gain access to a garden wherever my next attack strikes.

What else do people do to combat an anxiety (or migraine) attack?

'Every moment in our lives is a miracle we should enjoy instead of ignoring.' – Yoko Ono

Something strange happened today. I don't know yet if it will lead to a migraine or not. Basically when I woke up I felt a bit off and took a Maxalt wafer. I functioned fine for the next several hours, then in the afternoon at work I started getting waves of tiredness and sore eyes. These spells often came with dizziness. It happened three or four times over the course of the afternoon. I felt this overwhelming heavy headedness and my eyes felt strained, which is not uncommon at the start of a migraine. Then (miraculously?) it would go away again and I was fine until an hour or so later when it would happen again. I'm having a quiet night at home and resisting all chocolate, alcohol or anything else that might trigger a full migraine.

'The only thing you sometimes have control over is perspective. You don't have control over your situation. But you have a choice about how you view it.' – Chris Pine

Today's neurologist appointment was a lesson in perspective. I'm down to a mild migraine per week. Compared to the past several months, that's a huge improvement. My neurologist pointed out that, even increasing my current dose, I may not totally rid myself of them. He said I should balance reduction in severity and frequency, no side-effects and one weekly migraine against several a week or going onto some other drug which may not work or causes worse side-effects.


So, how many migraines is too many?

'They have grey fluff that’s blown into their heads by mistake.' – Winnie the Pooh (A.A. Milne)

Tonight I'm lucky to be home safe and sound. That's because I have a migraine. It hit while at work and I could easily have curled up under my desk and gone to sleep. By the time I left, the pain had reduced to a dull roar. As I got to the tram exchange, I almost went to the wrong platform because my brain wiped from memory which line number I live on. At home, after I warmed up dinner, I forgot to turn the gas burner off. As my husband said, 'I could have burnt down the house' – not really likely since we live in a brick house and the stove is properly wired. Still, it's certainly time to go to bed and fully reduce the danger of being myself with a migraine.

'Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.' – Arthur C. Clarke

I'm happy to report back that the new Boeing Dreamliner is the magic use of technology, at least to a non-engineer/non-pilot like me. We flew to and from our holiday on it and it's better than other airplanes. Aside from less ear-popping during accent and descent, it was mildly quieter. Most significantly, unlike flights in the past, I didn't get nauseous and headachy during or after the flight. On the first few days of our trip I didn't get a migraine as I have on other trips. After coming home, I did get a migraine but probably mostly from the lack of sleep because of the discount airline's economy class seats. I would buy one if I could.

'So long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being.' – Franz Kafka

Culture Smart Thailand
by Roger Jones

Yesterday we met some fellow gluten free travellers on an excursion and they told me about a tool they use when overseas: there are cards you can print saying that you are gluten free in almost any language. I never knew this existed, but it doesn't surprise me that this is one of the many miracles found on the internet. It means that you don't have to guess about food contents or bungle the pronunciation, possibly saying something you didn't intend. I will be using these next time we travel, but for the moment I will stick to dishes I'm pretty sure are safe and hope that I don't get a migraine.

'Fear, anxiety and neurosis: that's just in the suitcase when you're an actor.' – Laura Linney

Often when I'm on holiday I try to force myself to relax. I know that sounds silly, but I'm so determined to go home rested that I get anxious about whether we're doing too much; am I being present the whole time so that I'm experiencing it all; am I getting the most recuperation value out of this time off? (This is more proof that I'm neurotic and think too much. Maybe I should become an actor.)

I don't know what's changed, but on this holiday, so far, I've been able to do what I feel like doing, when I feel like doing it: lie on the beach reading or watching the wildlife, swim, nap in the hotel room, have a drink before dinner. Only once have the anxious thoughts tried to invade. Am I taking everything in? Look how wonderful it all is! I turned these fretful mind-ninjas back early in their advance by taking a deep breath and gently reminding myself that I'm present so it's all good.

The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.' - St Augustine

Tomorrow I'm going overseas and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm excitedly looking forward to spending some time with my husband and relaxing in a warm climate. But I'm also nervous about how I will cope with the airplane, the stress and the time difference. Often when I go on a plane I end up with a migraine for several days after I land, which diminishes my ability to enjoy the destination. My geeky husband tells me that we're flying on a brand new plane that is supposed to be pressurised to a lower apparent altitude than normal planes so it makes the flight less tough on passengers. I'm also on new medication this time so it will be interesting to see how that helps me cope.

As horrible as it is to go away only to wind up with a migraine, I think it's still important to try these new experiences. This is partly because you can't let migraines stop you from living (that's how depression takes over) and partly that you never know how you will manage until you try.

'You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in.' – Dr Seuss

I'm on day two of a persistent but not too severe migraine. Yesterday I thought the daily medication would stop it in its tracks, but that's not how it works. I thought about immediately calling up the kinesiologist to cure me. Instead I took aspirin and went to bed early. This morning I thought it was gone because I was feeling really good – as it turns out, a little too good. The migraine-derived manic energy has given way to other typical symptoms: head pain especially around my eyes, dizziness, tiredness, sadness and hopeless thoughts, and sensitivity to light and sound. Now I'm debating between watching a favourite movie with the sound turned low or going to bed and indulging in self-pity until my husband gets home in a few hours. I'm also beginning to worry that this is a beginning of another round or torrential migraines and that the new medication isn't going to work. I think I need to stay present and mindful so that I don't fall into the spiral of doomsday thinking. I'll look for the positives: yummy macaroni and cheese for dinner, snuggly cat to cuddle and cozy living room.

'We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.' – Helen Keller

It's been about three weeks since my last migraine and, although I'm very grateful and relieved the flare-up is over, I worry. The vigilance each day about the naturalness of what I eat and how much water I drink is waning. I guess it's natural that you can't stay on alert all the time, do calculations of consumption every hour. Preservative-ridden convenience foods are quicker to make when I'm hungry and tired from work. Chocolate and bread are delicious and it's draining to constantly resist. It makes me worry, though, that I'll inadvertently do something to trigger the next migraine – or more precisely the next cycle of constant migraines. I know I could probably handle one migraine, but I don't really believe that they will come singly again.

I've experienced this dread and doubt before: after other flare-ups, when recovering from depression, when dealing with PTSD-related flashbacks. I have to remind myself that I'm stronger than I think. I have control over what I eat and drink, and can mitigate that trigger at least.

Sometimes I forget or downplay how big an impact the last few months have had. In an effort to be tough, not a whinger, I push aside classifications of 'serious' or 'traumatic' to describe this chronic migraine flare-up. They sound like over-dramatic, self-pitying labels.

Regardless of how I think about the early half of this year, I am glad to be moving on, but I also need to be kind, gentle, with myself – both about my waning hyper-vigilance and about the remaining emotional fall-out.

'Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it.' – Ovid

I have mixed feelings about my new migraine medication, sandomigran.

On one hand it's working really well on my chronic migraines. When my neurologist prescribed it, he warned me that the side-effects included sleepiness, constipation and weight gain. I wasn't too worried about the sleepiness because I often don't sleep very well. As it's turned out, they should be called twenty-minutes-awake pills. I fall asleep almost as soon as I take them. Constipation hasn't been an issue. The weight gain is the one occupying me right now. I wasn't worried about gaining a little weight because I had lost a bunch of weight over the last few months of being constantly nauseous from migraines. The upside is that I now eat anything I want, as much as I want. I almost never feel full. I've realised I need to use visual portion control to make sure I don't balloon up too much. I've also implemented a low-carbs and no dessert after 8pm diet. Hopefully I have the will power to maintain this plan.

'"Thank you" is the best prayer that anyone could say.' – Alice Walker

The reason I'm feeling thankful tonight is because I haven't had a migraine in a week and a half (knock on wood). This is despite doing several things in the past week that often would lead to a migraine: shopping in the city all day, teaching a class with new material and forgetting my pills one night. Based on all this, I'm going to declare the combination of my new medication and kinesiology a success.

'Strength is the outcome of need.' – H.G. Wells

I'm playing mind games with myself at the moment. This always happens after I've had a prolonged illness or condition. I get hyper-sensitive to signs that the condition might be coming back. So because I've had such persistent and debilitating migraines for the past few months, I'm trying to look for any sign that I might be getting a migraine while simultaneously trying to enjoy every migraine-free moment. I know this vigilant dual-personality will ease as the new medication and kinesiology brings consistent improvements, but for now there's a lot going on in my head. Despite that I'm extremely grateful that things are improving and I've come through it ok. They say adversity makes you stronger so maybe this has added another age ring to my core and toughened me for the next round of adversity.

'One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore.' – André Gide

I've had three kinesiology appointments now and they've all been very different. The first involved a lot of talking. She made statements like, 'I believe I can get over this problem' and 'I want to get over this problem,' and observed how my body reacted to them. I felt very emotional the night after and did a lot of crying and thinking about issues she had brought up. I thought about the depressed state and negative mindset I was falling into from the endless migraines. Forgiveness and suppression were also key themes so I started thinking about forgiving my mum for a traumatic event that happened in our family a few years ago, just before my first bought of relentless migraines. I also began thinking about forgiveness of my husband's and my part in the shake-up of our marriage last year. Finally, I thought about how I suppress my true quirkiness and desires in order to seem more stable and sensible. Over the following weeks, I began to feel more positive as the unremitting migraines began to ease.

After the second appointment, about three weeks ago, I didn't cry all night or have any major epiphanies, but I kept working on the same issues. In that appointment she used some pressure points and tuning forks and some more emotive statements. She identified suppressed anger as a source of tension. I began keeping an anger diary to record when I felt angry and what I could do about it. I also came to terms with forgiving my mum and initiated a tearful, cathartic conversation. The migraines continued to abate to about one mild episode per week. I was pretty good about doing the yoga-like rhythmic movements she recommended, which were calming and centring.

Today's session involved lots of different pressure points, some massage and muscle manipulation. She continued identifying problem patterns in my thinking such as my habit of inhibiting myself and denying the negative sides of my personality. I am continuing to work on dealing with my anger and not feeling shattered or endangered when others express anger. Also, I will continue the rhythmic movements and meditating on forgiveness with a goal of totally forgiving my husband so we can properly move on. I will continue to track the frequency and severity of the migraines, although it's not a scientific test of whether kinesiology cures migraines since I'm also taking a new, daily medication.

I had a positive experience with kinesiology, which brought many personal issues to light so that I can work on how I react to them. I don't know if I'll go back for another session, but I left each session feeling soothed, positive and more relaxed than I went in feeling. Therefore, I think the whole experience was worthwhile even if it didn't miraculously cure the migraines overnight – a diminishment is a positive favourable too.

'Health food may be good for the conscience but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better.' – Robert Redford

To wheat or not to wheat? That's my question this weekend. I was intending on testing my reaction to wheat today. I had a whole wonderful wheat-concetrated menu planned: waffles for breakfast, then croissants for lunch, ending with quesadillas and naan bread for dinner. It was designed to give me exposure to wheat, but not yeast. Also they're all foods that I have been missing for the past six or so years that I've been gluten free.

The problem is I've chickened out. I've been feeling quite good this week. I think my current (slightly higher) dose of Sandomigran feels like it might be right. Given that, I don't want to wreck things by eating a bunch of food that might send me into a migrainous spiral again.

It's a question of balancing the possibility of future delicious food with the immediate (high) probability of a migraine.

'A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success.' – Elbert Hubbard

For the past few weeks I’ve been desperate from having migraine on top of migraine. It got to the point where I was willing to give anything a go. I almost went to my doctor for botox, which I’d already decided when I was healthy was not for me. I’m not comfortable having that virus, even if neutralised, injected into my body. I also almost investigated electro-shock treatments, which I had also ruled out in the past because it seemed too drastic and poorly understood. So I went with kinesiology. I had read mixed reviews about its legitimacy and effectiveness, but at least it was non-invasive and claimed to get to the base causes of the migraines.

I’ve been to two sessions so far and will go to one more. The recommended number of sessions is between three and five. I liked the idea that this would not be an ongoing, eternally money-draining treatment. After my second session, a little over a week ago, I felt no pressure from the practitioner to book another appointment, which was a nice change from other experiences I’ve had. 

The sessions themselves have been strange and mystical. I’ve had to keep an open-mind as the practitioner stood over me muttering to herself and moving her hands through the air. Other times during the session, though, she used pressure points, tuning forks and emotive questions. While I lay on the table and she directed energy around me, we talked about my past, my relationships, my mood and other possible contributors to this cycle of intense migraines. I didn’t know what to expect and was hopeful, but not sold on the possibilities offered by kinesiology.

Since my first session, I’ve begun to deal with the depression that was weighing on me as a result of the endless migraines. I’m keeping a diary to help me be more in touch with negative emotions, which I tend to suppress. I’ve been meditating more and working on forgiving my mum and myself for our parts in a traumatic family event that occurred several years ago. The stress from that time triggered my first spiral of migraines. I had a wonderful, honest, tear-filled conversation with my mum the other day and feel ready to properly move past that event. Now I’m beginning the whole process again for my husband and my parts in our marriage issues last year. 

I don’t know if these actions will cure my chronic migraines, but they will make me a happier, more secure person, which isn’t a bad thing. In the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling more positive about the future and about getting a handle on the migraines. I have had less frequent and less intense migraines. Some of that might be down to the new migraine medication I’m on, but some of these changes had begun before I started the medication and before the month-long ‘see if the dose is right’ period concluded. (On a side note, I don’t think the dose is right, but I’ll follow the instructions and wait another week before I raise it.)

So I would give a limited recommendation for kinesiology. You need to be accepting of alternative therapies, open-minded and you may end up working through some painful issues. If you think doing this will help you with migraines, or whatever else you’re suffering from, then find a registered (applied) kinesiologist and try it. 

'People grow through experience if they meet migraines honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.' – Eleanor Roosevelt

I haven't written on this blog for a while. This much is obvious from the dates of posts. I hadn't really thought about posting because this blog, like many other simple routines, went out of my head for the last month or so. I've been getting about two migraines a week and that, I think, has led to mild depression. One of those factors would limit my ability to write, but two has slowed word count  production right down, and I didn't even care. In fact, it didn't even register until about a week ago.

Now that the migraines are back to about once a week and things are looking up again, I'm back. I feel like I should tie up some loose ends from the past six months of this blog. Then I'll move on to new topics in the coming posts.

New Year's Resolutions:
Yoga/meditate – I have not got into the habit of doing it three times at week like I had planned. I manage about once a week, formally, then meditate informally whenever I can: on the tram, walking home, when it's quiet in the office, in the shower or before bed. I was loaned an excellent book recently called The 5-minute Meditator by Eric Harrison, which talked about ways to incorporate more meditation into daily life. I will keep striving for more yoga and meditation, less TV and internet time.

Water – I have accomplished this one. I am drinking at least 1.5L a day, often more. I will try to keep this up. Although I haven't noticed any miraculous benefits, I'm probably healthier for it.

Topomax – I am almost totally weaned off Topomax, but not onto herbal alternatives. Based on the past few months of horrific, regular migraines and my resulting inability to cope, I am going onto a new drug, Sandomigran. In the two weeks I've been on it, it hasn't cured my migraines, but they have eased. I can still raise the dose if I need to and my neurologist assures me there are other things we can try if this one doesn't work.

Alternative treatments – I've tried two and a half new ones by my count.
Regular acupuncture: Acupuncture with a chiropractic adjustment seems to help keep things loose and working properly, especially around the time of my period. Weekly acupuncture was a nice, little, relaxing treatment on a Friday night, but it didn't seem to do anything about the relentless migraine spiral I was in. It's too expensive to keep up without major benefits on the migraine front.

The elimination diet: It had no effect whatsoever unless you count the general cleanse. I learned some new recipes, tried some new foods and am more aware of preservatives, sulphites and other similar baddies in processed foods. In terms of migraines, there was no change.

Kinesiology: I'm in the process of trying Kinesiology to get to the root of my chronic migraine problems. I'll post more about this later, but for the moment I'll say that the treatment sessions are a bit unusual, but my practitioner makes some interesting points about trauma manifesting in the body, suppression of anger and other emotions, and depressive tendencies which I can see in myself.

'Heaven have mercy on us all… for we are all somehow dreadfully cracked about the head, and sadly need mending.' – Herman Melville

This week I'm trying to have mercy* on myself. When I've been struggling to open packaging instead of doing it with scissors, or trying to do another household chore before some self-imposed deadline while exhausted from my latest migraine, or berating myself for all the things I should have got done at work if I was more efficient at helping students and leaving time for paperwork, then I hear a little voice cry, 'mercy, mercy, mercy.' It's like when we were young and would get Indian burns (before political correctness) or have thumb wars until someone begged mercy. It reminds me I'm only human; I don't need to do it all; the world's not going to end if I don't… and all those other mantras I've tried over the years.

I've also come to see my migraines as a cry for mercy from my over-firing brain. The Elimination Diet (and subsequent dietary limitations) are ways of minimising the brain's stress. Taking a nap or meditating are nurturing the brain when it starts to beg for mercy.

I don't know if this mercy mantra will last any better than the others, but hopefully like the others it will serve its purpose for a time. I will remind myself to be more merciful toward myself, remembering what I can and can't do, and that might spill over into being less stressed and judgemental about others as well.

* This idea of mercy, little seen in today's world, comes from a friend, Judy, who is writing a book about it.

'Mr Holmes, they were the footprints of a gigantic hound!' – The Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Migrain-gnaw

The neighbour’s dog is yapping,

Someone’s phone is ringing,

A helicopter hovers too close, rotators pounding.

Sitting at my desk, working my way through inbox messages,

I notice a hunted feeling.

Could this mean my loyal companion is back?

For a second my vision blurs. 

I shiver.

Later, I am chopping carrots for dinner

When the hunter returns.

Ah, my loyal companion is back.

Now the room dims momentarily and a growling fills my ears, 

muting the TV news.

Suddenly,

The hound has my whole head locked in its jaws.

I can see no light,

I stare down its gullet. 

The pressure tightens,

pain stabs my neck, 

As it tries to rip my head from my body

With its predator death-shake.

I escape long enough to put down the knife,

Crawl away while it stalks my heals.

I hide for a time in the dark of the bedroom,

But it comes for me still,

Slathering for more.

'All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.' – Charles M. Schulz

I'm doing two things this week which will hopefully help the frequency and severity of my migraines. However, the fact that I'm doing anything different does indicate that I still want control over them despite starting to come to terms with the chronic, unending, incurable nature of them.

Firstly, I'm starting an Elimination Diet today (this is a link to a helpful website, and here's another one) to see if there are any foods I have been avoiding that I could be eating and any that I should now be avoiding. It's been about seven and a half years since I was diagnosed with chronic migraines and first did an elimination diet. At that time I found it really difficult and stressful – all the meals I made were bland and repetitive, I lost lots of weight and had low energy, and I started cheating ('reintroducing' foods like chocolate) earlier than I was supposed to.

This time I have spent almost a week thinking about why I'm doing it, figuring out what didn't work last time, making contingency plans and devising many meal options. I'm doing it because I'm sick of feeling like crap; I don't know if an elimination diet cleanse will help, but I'm hopeful. What didn't work last time was that I didn't have any treats so my sweet-tooth and lack of will power meant I cheated with chocolate. This time I have a list of things I'm still allowed, and have splurged on some nice tea, fancy vegetable chips, fresh herbs for extra flavour and fresh fruit juice plus I have frozen berries for desserts. Finally, I've figured out that I can still make lots of meals with only minor alterations – risotto because I don't use cream and butter anyway, I'll do without cheese this time; veggie stir-fry without capsicum; red Thai curry with minor adjustments; quinoa salad; yam lasagne without the tomato sauce and cheese might be ok; homemade sushi rolls without the soy sauce or mayonnaise and the list goes on. They won't all be brilliant, but they will be better than the unflavoured rice and two steamed veggies I was subsisting on last time I did the elimination diet.

Secondly, this week I'm going to see my neurologist to see what he suggests I do about medications. I don't want to stay on Topomax unless he can assure me that being sick with various colds, infections and tummy bugs for the past eighteen months is not a side-effect. Also, ideally I would be on something less serious, but given how poorly I have been coping the last few weeks on a lowered dose (2+ migraines a week, missing weddings and other social engagements, barely being able to think straight sometimes at work, sleeping or in pain while at home spending 'quality time' with my husband etc.) I may just have to accept whatever will make life manageable again. I need to keep reminding myself: treatment plan not a cure. If I find a medication to go with the love and chocolate, I'll stick with that because the alternative is not a life I can live.

'I'm for truth, no matter who tells it.' – Malcolm X

Despite the realisation a few weeks ago that I would never find a cure for chronic migraines and needed to establish a good management plan, I find myself wondering more and more about what's causing mine. I don't know if this is more magical thinking: If I just find the first cause and fix that, then everything will be better. Since I was diagnosed with chronic migraines almost a decade ago, it's bothered me how unconcerned the medical profession is about finding the cause. As long as they're treating the symptoms (usually with medication), then that's good enough. I realised that even my current alternative therapists, chiropractor and acupuncture, are mostly about treating the symptoms and getting me through the migraine incident.

I feel there must be some underlying cause more compelling (and treatable) than inherited pre-disposition. Why do I have chronic migraines and my mother, grandmother and aunt only have one or two a year? Why does my body feel a need to react to stress with a migraine? Why when I don't sleep well or have a build-up of muscle tension do I get a migraine, but my husband just gets a little grouchy?

I've got some ideas of how I might be able to answer these questions for myself or waste money trying. 1) A friend suggested kinesiology by which she means applied kinesiology. Wikipedia, the source of all truth, says it's unproven and 'no more useful than random guessing.'
2) A few years ago a fairly sensible colleague mentioned hypnotherapy as being effective for an ailment she had. Wikipedia is more positive about hypnotherapy and even cites a 1995 study that said, 'The evidence supporting the effectiveness of hypnosis in alleviating chronic pain associated with cancer seems strong. In addition, the panel was presented with other data suggesting the effectiveness of hypnosis in other chronic pain conditions, which include… tension headaches.'
3) I could do my own literature review to read about migraine brains and what makes them different.
4) I  may try an elimination diet again to see if there are any new foods I need to avoid or ones I have been that I can now eat again.

This is probably another attempt to control and understand the uncontrollable and little-known.

'A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his migraines.' – Hippocrates

I have been falling off the less-screen-time wagon lately. After having a migraine yesterday and a severe headache all day today, I am clambering back on that wagon tonight. Instead of collapsing in front of the TV for a few hours before bed tonight, I decided to do yoga for some of that time. About halfway through the routine I felt my mind slow and the frenetic energy of my body ease. It was a wonderful feeling and validated why yoga is better than TV. I've come out of it feeling calmer and, I was going to say in control but that's not accurate, it's really more a feeling of ease with the present.

I have a theory that slower brainwaves, like being in a meditative state more than a stress-response state, is one way to reduce the incidence of migraines. I feel like too much TV gets my neurones firing and makes me wired, which is often how I feel before the lethargy, confusion and pain of a migraine sets in. I did a quick internet search to see if I could find anything on brainwave states and migraines, but I haven't found anything really legitimate and scientific looking yet. YouTube has many clips of 'binaural music', which supposedly 'entrains' deep relaxation or slows brainwaves and thus stops migraines. I'm not holding my breath that it's the magic cure we've all been waiting for, but I might try listening to them sometime.

I guess what tonight is about is breaking out of the easy routine, trying something potentially healthier and maybe learning something new about how my messed up brain works. I succeeded in breaking my normal evening TV-watching pattern, I did a healthier activity, but I haven't found what I'm looking for about the effects of alpha or beta brainwaves yet.

'Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.' – Douglas Adams

Right now I’m living between migraines. It’s like flying: when it’s working it feels wonderful and light and free; but when things go wrong it’s going to hurt. I’m getting about one a week and on the days when I don’t have a migraine, I am grateful and productive. At first I would be on tenterhooks anticipating the next fall (migraine), but that’s a waste of time and energy. This has helped me to be more present and appreciative of health, when I have it.

There’s a problem, though. My current prescription will run out just before I see my neurologist in a week or so. I’m hoping he will suggest some other medication so I don’t want to fill another repeat of the current one. I am coping pretty well on this lower dose with only a mild weekly migraine. If I go off all medication, I might go back to two or three migraines a week. Now cheapness and treatment are battling it out in my head. Which logic will win?

'To cast in it with chronic migraine was to die a thousand interests and aspirations.' – The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

I had a realisation yesterday, which I need to record before I forget it – especially since it came to me in the post-drome phase. It occurred to me that I've been wasting my time and deluding myself by searching for a cure for my chronic migraines. I need to actually accept a long-term, healthy management strategy.

I should have realised this before because it's been years that I've had migraines. I've done the reading and know that we're not that close to understanding them let alone curing them. But this is why I go on a medication or treatment plan, feel well and have them under control for a year or so, then go off my meds. I've deluded myself into thinking the medication cured me and then I'd be ok without it. Now that I say it, it seems so obvious how dumb (naively optimistic?) I was being.

Have other migraine suffers realised this? Why don't doctors tell us the difference between cure and management? Maybe my various doctors, somewhere along the line, did say this or maybe they thought it was clear.

I am a little worried that there will be a (strong) emotional backlash when it actually, properly sinks in that I will never get rid of my migraines. The best I can hope for is an effective, ongoing treatment with few side effects. That's depressing, especially since this week's migraine caused me such anger and frustration at Migraines.

I read a book about managing chronic illness several years ago and I think it talked about some of this. The mental shift from illness-sufferer to chronic-sufferer with no hope of cure is a big one and can be very emotional. Maybe that's why I was shielding myself from it all these years.

My initial plan, when starting this blog, was to not only explore migraines and literature in an attempt to make things more humourous and manageable for myself. I was also going to go off the anti-epileptic medication and live a naturalistic, idealised life migraine-free without harsh pharmaceuticals. Part of my realisation is that, that is probably never going to happen. ('Not until you have a brain transplant,' my husband said wryly at dinner last night.)

I guess the take away is: migraines suck and always will so I need to learn (again/still) to live as best I can with them. Finding humour where it isn't obvious seems like a decent strategy at the moment (thanks husband).

'To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer or a migraine.' – Farmers' Almanac, 1978

I get a lightheaded, cross-eyed feeling after I've been looking at a computer, TV or phone screen for too long. My head seems to buzz and I often feel overwhelmed or anxious. I put all this aside as my own, unique issue and totally manageable (i.e. ignorable). Then, last week I answered a survey about my smartphone and social media usage.

Do you check into social media within five minutes of waking up? Yes. Do you sleep with your phone beside your bed? Yes. Do you use your phone in the middle of the night when you can't sleep? Yes. 

These and other questions made me think perhaps I was becoming addicted to (or at least too reliant on) my phone and the time-wasting qualities of social media. So for the past week I've avoided Facebook and Twitter. I've only used my phone as a phone (and very occasionally as a music player and weather station). It's been good: my head doesn't hurt as often, I've been more aware of how much mindless TV I watch too and reduced that, and I've done some research into migraines and screen time.

I found this Migraine Triggers fact sheet, which talks about a "threshold" rather than "causes" per se. It's a perspective that makes sense, but that I hadn't thought about before. However, now that I read it, it sounds like something my chiropractor has said – perhaps while I had a migraine so I didn't take it in.

This Migraines and Your Job article had some useful reminders which I've heard before, but it helps to be told again. As does this one: Is Working At My Computer Causing My Headaches?. They talk about glare off the screen and from the overhead lights. Also I am reminded that posture is important for reducing neck, back and shoulder tension, which unchecked lead to migraines.

Now I know that 1) I am not alone in feeling the negative effects of staring at a screen, 2) those effects could be contributing to my migraines and 3) I can give up superfluous use of screens without dire consequences. It just remains to figure out how to balance my writing, work and leisure needs against migraine prevention.

'All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me migraine-free.' – Spike Milligan

People fantasise about what they would do if they won millions of dollars. From a migraineur's point of view, there are several things I would do:
- not worry about the cost of alternative treatments (Maybe I'd even see my acupuncturist once a week!)
- try some of the more unusual migraine cures (I'm currently stopped because budget outweighs the perceived likelihood of results.)
- fly first or business class whenever I travelled (I'm sure leg room, nice food and the ability to lie flat would lessen the post-travel migraine.)
- set up (or donate to if one already exists) a foundation to fund research into a cure/more effective treatments (We could all use a real solution to migraines sooner rather than later.)

'Will not a migraine very close to our vision blot out the glory of the world, and leave only a margin by which we see the blot?' – Middlemarch by George Eliot

When I was lying in bed last night, in pain, I was thinking about my 'normal' migraines – or what I've grown used for the last 18 months on Topomax. I think migraines have three components: physical, mental and emotional. Usually mine are more mental and emotional: I get dizzy and confused, unable to put a sentence together, inordinately tired and sometimes I get spots or lines in my vision (that's the mental side); and I get depressed, fatalistic and weepy (the emotional). This time it's been mostly physical – lots of head pain, muscle tension and nausea with a little bit of tiredness and confusion.

Since I'm delusional and too analytical for my own good, I began wondering which component I preferred, or was least bad. If I have to get migraines, which symptoms do I want? Stupid, I know. My answer was: none! I want none. Whichever set of symptoms is dominant at the time of questioning, that would be my least preferred, whatever I wasn't experiencing too much I would say wasn't too bad and I could handle. (I.E. for this migraine, I think the emotional stuff's easiest to deal with, then the mental and physical is the most all-consuming of the symptoms. But that's not usually true for me.) This near-sighted version of each migraine is another symptom, I know that. Every migraine I have is the worst one, and never-ending, while I'm in it.

Migraine, migraine, go away, come again some other day. – Childhood chant

I'm ready for this migraine to move on. It's day three. I'm getting to the point where I'm not completely hazy so I'm starting to feel frustrated at the hinderance to my life. Day one I coped: I took various medications; I went to work and ignored it; I didn't tell anyone. Day two I wallowed: I called in sick; I cried in bed; I saw my chiropractor/acupuncture duo; I clung to my husband. Day three has only just begun so I don't know how it will pan out yet. Maybe I'll go back to ignoring it so I can enjoy the weekend with my husband. Maybe I'll get so sick of the pain I'll take all the drugs I can think of, at once, and pass on the bed with the hope of waking up clear again. Maybe I'll guzzle gatorade, have sex, meditate and do any other at-home, alternative remedy I've ever heard of.

'I shall take the heart… for brains do not make one happy.' – The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L Frank Baum

I am almost off the Topomax – down to a half pill per day. But I am having doubts about whether I can cope without it. That makes me sound like an addict, which gives me another reason for not wanting to be on daily pharmaceuticals. The self-doubting voice in my head is picking up on every 'off' moment and headache. It's asking me if I'm feeling like this now, how will I feel when I'm fully off the medication. And the most telling moment came this morning. When I was about to cut my pill in half, I caught myself thinking: it would just be easier to take the whole thing, one pill is still better than the two I was on before, and I would probably feel better over time with the help of Topomax.

I didn't really expect to have to deal with mind games as well as potential migraine symptoms when I went off the medication. I don't remember this sort of thing, or not to this degree, when I went of daily beta-blockers or other chronic migraine medications. Perhaps I've just blocked it out and moved on. I'm hoping it's helpful to record these mental struggles here so that in the future I (and others?) are wary of the wider implications of these medications. Also if I read, in black and white, things like this morning's inner dialogue, hopefully will give me the motivation to continue toward alternatives to pharmaceuticals.

'The chief proof of man's real greatness lies in his perception of his own migraines.' - The Sign of the Four by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

I've had my New Year's resolutions for about two weeks now and I feel like I should confess how I'm doing to hopefully push myself to do better. Usually when I'm trying to start a new habit I bribe myself with money that I can use on fun, off-budget purchases. I haven't set up anything like that this time, which might be why I'm having mixed results. I am drinking more water, at least a litre and usually the 1.5L that I'm aiming for. I am in the process of weaning off Topomax and have been taking a pill that has things like feverfew, valerian and butterbur daily. I have meditated a few times, but not three times a week. I usually feel good when I meditate (or do yoga), but I often find other, more 'productive' things to do when I first wake up or in the few extra minutes before I leave for work. Finally, other than the herbal pills (and my normal restricted diet and monthly chiro/acupuncture) I haven't tried any new remedies for migraines. It's partly because I want to stabilise on the non-pharmaceuticals first, partly because I haven't had many migraines in the last few weeks. I have been trying to record my migraines, but am discovering that it's often hard to know what to write down: which of the many variables from the past 24 hours contributed to this migraine? is this a migraine or just heatstroke? when does one migraine end and the next begin? I guess like everything it's a work-in-progress.

'Of course there must be lots of Magic in the world… Perhaps the beginning is just to say nice things are going to happen until you make them happen.' – The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett

Findings were released this week about the effectiveness of placebo pills and patient's expectations in relation to migraine pain relief. (One of many articles can be read here.) I find it interesting but not surprising that our brain 'trick' us into feeling better than medicine alone. Given that this week I'm going to start weaning off Topomax, I'm wondering if I can convince my brain that it doesn't need to give me migraines in the process. Even if I can't do that, it would be nice to convince myself that feverfew and lavender are an effective substitute. Fingers crossed.

'Those who gave thee a body, furnished it with migraine; but He who gave thee Soul, armed thee with resolution. Employ it, and thou art wise; be wise and thou art happy.' – Akhenaton

I'm going to do something this year that I haven't done before: make migraine New Year Resolutions (and no others). This is with the hope that it will help me continue to get a handle on my chronic migraines, but also improve my quality of life.

As it stands right now, I've been on Topomax daily for about fifteen months and been sick on and off for about fifteen months. My migraines have been pretty manageable, which is good, but I have been losing weight and struggling under constant minor illnesses. I don't know if the two are related, but anti-epileptic medicines are pretty heavy-duty and hopefully my resolutions will help with overall health, not just migraine-maintenance.

My resolutions are:
1) Drink more water – 1.5L is what the calculations seem to say I should be drinking.
2) Replace Topomax with herbal migraine prophylactics such as feverfew and lavender – the caveat on this one is that my quality of life needs to be the test. If these herbals don't sufficiently control the migraines, then I'll re-evaluate.
3) Do more meditation/yoga – aim for three times per week (or more).
4) Try a variety of anti-migraine alternatives throughout the year and record the results – approach them open-mindedly, try at least six this year.