'Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.' – Joseph Campbell

Part of any chronic illness is adjusting your self-image to the new normal. I've finally come to terms with being someone who needs to monitor their diet, sleep and stress; who will need to take medication for life; and who will have to adjust work and social commitments at the whim of the migraines.

Now I've been told by my physio that I need to accept that I'm unlikely to ever be completely pain-free (in my hip). This is devastating. That's meant that this weekend I've been adjusting my self-concept to someone who has health problemS [plural!]. I keep saying to myself in the back of my mind: I'm sickly (the opposite of healthy).

Couch Potato by Graela (Flikr)

This prognosis means that I won't be able to be as active as I want to be. I'll have to let my tennis membership lapse. I won't get into running, regardless of how perfect our local park is for running. I'll have to find low impact exercise to do: weekend hikes will be weekend walks, tennis will be tai chi, and kickboxing will be kayaking. It's easier to accept the activities that will be curtailed if I think about other things that I can do. That way I don't believe the pessimistic little voice in my head that says that I'll be a fat lump of a couch potato because I can't exercise. I'll prove it wrong!

'The basis of optimism is sheer terror.' – Oscar Wilde

Sometimes finding something wrong is a good thing. For the past several weeks (months, maybe) I've been having pain in my hip. Last week I had an ultrasound to see what was actually wrong. Today I met with a specialist. She said either a muscle tear or swelling and inflammation are likely the problem. In one sense this is a positive result because I'm not crazy or a hypochondriac. There really is something measurable wrong. Through past experiences and the intangibility of migraines, I sometimes start to wonder if it's all in my head, metaphorically. I'm glad there's a good chance this hip issue isn't chronic. Already it's a better diagnosis than migraines.

'[Migraine] is what I sell, it's my stock in trade.' – Marlene Dietrich

I haven't had a migraine in over a week (knock on wood, rub my lucky rabbit's foot, throw salt over my left shoulder etc.). Instead I've been experiencing pain in my hip, which extends down my leg. So this afternoon I got to thinking: would I trade weekly migraines for hip pain? For now the answer is yes. I feel like I could treat hip pain better than the myriad migraine symptoms. Also, hip pain doesn't carry with it as many emotional side-effects. I'm sure if I had chronic, incurable hip pain that stopped me from bike riding, playing tennis, going for walks, sitting for long road trips, sleeping comfortably etc., then perhaps I'd rethink the swap.

"Bart Sells His Soul" ©Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation 

This reminds me of a Simpsons episode when Bart makes a trade with Millhouse: Bart's soul for $5. What follows are all sorts of unintended consequences for Bart. It's a pertinent warning, even if my migraine-for-hip swap is as imaginary as Bart and Millhouse.