'One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore.' – André Gide

I've had three kinesiology appointments now and they've all been very different. The first involved a lot of talking. She made statements like, 'I believe I can get over this problem' and 'I want to get over this problem,' and observed how my body reacted to them. I felt very emotional the night after and did a lot of crying and thinking about issues she had brought up. I thought about the depressed state and negative mindset I was falling into from the endless migraines. Forgiveness and suppression were also key themes so I started thinking about forgiving my mum for a traumatic event that happened in our family a few years ago, just before my first bought of relentless migraines. I also began thinking about forgiveness of my husband's and my part in the shake-up of our marriage last year. Finally, I thought about how I suppress my true quirkiness and desires in order to seem more stable and sensible. Over the following weeks, I began to feel more positive as the unremitting migraines began to ease.

After the second appointment, about three weeks ago, I didn't cry all night or have any major epiphanies, but I kept working on the same issues. In that appointment she used some pressure points and tuning forks and some more emotive statements. She identified suppressed anger as a source of tension. I began keeping an anger diary to record when I felt angry and what I could do about it. I also came to terms with forgiving my mum and initiated a tearful, cathartic conversation. The migraines continued to abate to about one mild episode per week. I was pretty good about doing the yoga-like rhythmic movements she recommended, which were calming and centring.

Today's session involved lots of different pressure points, some massage and muscle manipulation. She continued identifying problem patterns in my thinking such as my habit of inhibiting myself and denying the negative sides of my personality. I am continuing to work on dealing with my anger and not feeling shattered or endangered when others express anger. Also, I will continue the rhythmic movements and meditating on forgiveness with a goal of totally forgiving my husband so we can properly move on. I will continue to track the frequency and severity of the migraines, although it's not a scientific test of whether kinesiology cures migraines since I'm also taking a new, daily medication.

I had a positive experience with kinesiology, which brought many personal issues to light so that I can work on how I react to them. I don't know if I'll go back for another session, but I left each session feeling soothed, positive and more relaxed than I went in feeling. Therefore, I think the whole experience was worthwhile even if it didn't miraculously cure the migraines overnight – a diminishment is a positive favourable too.

'To cast in it with chronic migraine was to die a thousand interests and aspirations.' – The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

I had a realisation yesterday, which I need to record before I forget it – especially since it came to me in the post-drome phase. It occurred to me that I've been wasting my time and deluding myself by searching for a cure for my chronic migraines. I need to actually accept a long-term, healthy management strategy.

I should have realised this before because it's been years that I've had migraines. I've done the reading and know that we're not that close to understanding them let alone curing them. But this is why I go on a medication or treatment plan, feel well and have them under control for a year or so, then go off my meds. I've deluded myself into thinking the medication cured me and then I'd be ok without it. Now that I say it, it seems so obvious how dumb (naively optimistic?) I was being.

Have other migraine suffers realised this? Why don't doctors tell us the difference between cure and management? Maybe my various doctors, somewhere along the line, did say this or maybe they thought it was clear.

I am a little worried that there will be a (strong) emotional backlash when it actually, properly sinks in that I will never get rid of my migraines. The best I can hope for is an effective, ongoing treatment with few side effects. That's depressing, especially since this week's migraine caused me such anger and frustration at Migraines.

I read a book about managing chronic illness several years ago and I think it talked about some of this. The mental shift from illness-sufferer to chronic-sufferer with no hope of cure is a big one and can be very emotional. Maybe that's why I was shielding myself from it all these years.

My initial plan, when starting this blog, was to not only explore migraines and literature in an attempt to make things more humourous and manageable for myself. I was also going to go off the anti-epileptic medication and live a naturalistic, idealised life migraine-free without harsh pharmaceuticals. Part of my realisation is that, that is probably never going to happen. ('Not until you have a brain transplant,' my husband said wryly at dinner last night.)

I guess the take away is: migraines suck and always will so I need to learn (again/still) to live as best I can with them. Finding humour where it isn't obvious seems like a decent strategy at the moment (thanks husband).