'I shall take the heart… for brains do not make one happy.' – The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L Frank Baum

I am almost off the Topomax – down to a half pill per day. But I am having doubts about whether I can cope without it. That makes me sound like an addict, which gives me another reason for not wanting to be on daily pharmaceuticals. The self-doubting voice in my head is picking up on every 'off' moment and headache. It's asking me if I'm feeling like this now, how will I feel when I'm fully off the medication. And the most telling moment came this morning. When I was about to cut my pill in half, I caught myself thinking: it would just be easier to take the whole thing, one pill is still better than the two I was on before, and I would probably feel better over time with the help of Topomax.

I didn't really expect to have to deal with mind games as well as potential migraine symptoms when I went off the medication. I don't remember this sort of thing, or not to this degree, when I went of daily beta-blockers or other chronic migraine medications. Perhaps I've just blocked it out and moved on. I'm hoping it's helpful to record these mental struggles here so that in the future I (and others?) are wary of the wider implications of these medications. Also if I read, in black and white, things like this morning's inner dialogue, hopefully will give me the motivation to continue toward alternatives to pharmaceuticals.

'The chief proof of man's real greatness lies in his perception of his own migraines.' - The Sign of the Four by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

I've had my New Year's resolutions for about two weeks now and I feel like I should confess how I'm doing to hopefully push myself to do better. Usually when I'm trying to start a new habit I bribe myself with money that I can use on fun, off-budget purchases. I haven't set up anything like that this time, which might be why I'm having mixed results. I am drinking more water, at least a litre and usually the 1.5L that I'm aiming for. I am in the process of weaning off Topomax and have been taking a pill that has things like feverfew, valerian and butterbur daily. I have meditated a few times, but not three times a week. I usually feel good when I meditate (or do yoga), but I often find other, more 'productive' things to do when I first wake up or in the few extra minutes before I leave for work. Finally, other than the herbal pills (and my normal restricted diet and monthly chiro/acupuncture) I haven't tried any new remedies for migraines. It's partly because I want to stabilise on the non-pharmaceuticals first, partly because I haven't had many migraines in the last few weeks. I have been trying to record my migraines, but am discovering that it's often hard to know what to write down: which of the many variables from the past 24 hours contributed to this migraine? is this a migraine or just heatstroke? when does one migraine end and the next begin? I guess like everything it's a work-in-progress.

'The migraine is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.' – Paradise Lost by John Milton)

Yesterday was a good day for me migraine-wise, even though I had one. It was prophesied from the moment I woke up by that cruel trick of the migraine: feeling great. This is a new symptom that I didn't know about until my chiropractor pointed it out a few months ago. Before many of my migraines hit, I feel manic, like I can do anything, totally unstoppable. I think it's sadistically ironic that this euphoric feeling comes before all hell breaks loose brain-wise. I'm slowly learning to tell the difference between feeling unnaturally wonderful and feeling normally healthy. I missed the signal yesterday, but the bonus was that I enjoyed a day out and about with my husband on a mini-roadtrip.

Before we left, I spent some time on Huffington Post researching news about migraines, watching interviews with fellow migraineurs and reading about surprising triggers. This was unexpectedly useful. The ladies in the interview, particularly Nancy Girvin, told similar stories to mine. I don't like to wallow and I'm naturally optimistic, but this reminded me that sometimes it is good to commiserate. None of my friends or family experience chronic migraines. They are wonderfully sympathetic and tolerant when I get one, but it's not the same as listening or talking to someone who goes through them.

On Huffington Post I also found an article about '10 Surprising Culprits'. I don't know why, but I compulsively read these types of lists of triggers. Maybe I'm searching for the something I'm missing that I could avoid to be miraculously cured. (Did I mention I'm an unrealistic optimist?) Several of the items of the Huffington Post list validated triggers I already knew for myself, but have never seen mentioned anywhere else. It was nice to have my wheat allergy validated (first time ever). Unfortunately the other triggers mentioned were unavoidables: rain (I've known for a while that stormy weather makes me more prone to migraines), oestrogen (I like being a woman) and other people's strong perfume or loud noises (makes sense, I will deal with this later).

To cap off my great day of driving and discoveries, I got a migraine. I was making dinner and some of the cauliflower fell out of my hand on the way to the pot. Then the onions leapt off the counter. Next I noticed that I felt like I was losing my mind. I think I tell myself that when I feel the weird migraine disassociation coming on. At that point I took a Maxalt wafer. Afterwards, I felt so calm, mindful and at peace. In the new year I'll have to see if I can get similar positive effects without the pharmaceuticals.