'It is easier to prevent bad habits than to break them.' – Benjamin Franklin

During this week's migraine I noticed two things about my migrainey self, which I hadn't been aware of before. As with my other blog posts, the purpose of this one if to create a record for myself since I have a bad memory at the best of times, let alone when I have a migraine.

Firstly, I noticed that when I have one of those migraines that doesn't respond to medications, I often take a large number of drugs anyway. I think this is because I take some, then two or three hours later I'm still feeling terrible so I take something else, then another two or three hour later I'm not feeling any better so I try another pharmaceutical option. By bedtime I realised that, in my desperation, I would have taken the maximum dose of paracetamol, ibuprofen, aspirin, codeine and/or any other drugs I have on hand. Hopefully now that I'm aware of this I won't fall into the same pattern of sending good medication after bad, as it were.

Secondly, I was feeling very lonely during this week's migraine: alone in my suffering, ill-equipped to deal with it, and in need of genuine empathy and encouragement. Often during a migraine I'll wish my mum was with me. This time I needed something stronger, more effective. I went online to see if I could find a migraine support group or forum to join. I came across three likely-looking options. Once I started reading, I noticed that mostly they were filled with comments about all the different drugs people had tried and how crap migraines are. None of the people commenting seemed to have anything proactive or helpful to say. Even when sufferers posted questions (like where to find a good doctor), the commenters didn't address the question and only mentioned their own struggles. Maybe we're all selfish, us migraineurs; maybe that's understandable, but I don't think it's helpful. Now I'm looking for any support groups in my area that I could attend. Will a group of us in person be more supportive?

'There is no sincerer love than the love of food.' – George Bernard Shaw

I've been on this dose of my current daily medication for several weeks. The preventative medication  is working fairly well, but there is a downside. Until now I thought I was handing it well, but it seems not. The problem is that I never feel full and as soon as I think about a certain food, I crave it. I was told that a side effect could be weight gain and I was fine with that since I'd lost some weight during the beginning of the year when I was getting ongoing migraines. I figured I could manage it; I didn't anticipate how the weight would be gained,  i.e. how hard never feeling full would be. Today I put on some pants that used to fit perfectly, have been too loose for the past seven or eight months and now are tight. Now I'm going to have to rely on my will power, of which I'm not blessed with much. I plan to ride to work as often as I can and redouble my efforts not to eat much after 8pm, even if I get home from work around then.

'The only thing you sometimes have control over is perspective. You don't have control over your situation. But you have a choice about how you view it.' – Chris Pine

Today's neurologist appointment was a lesson in perspective. I'm down to a mild migraine per week. Compared to the past several months, that's a huge improvement. My neurologist pointed out that, even increasing my current dose, I may not totally rid myself of them. He said I should balance reduction in severity and frequency, no side-effects and one weekly migraine against several a week or going onto some other drug which may not work or causes worse side-effects.


So, how many migraines is too many?

'You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in.' – Dr Seuss

I'm on day two of a persistent but not too severe migraine. Yesterday I thought the daily medication would stop it in its tracks, but that's not how it works. I thought about immediately calling up the kinesiologist to cure me. Instead I took aspirin and went to bed early. This morning I thought it was gone because I was feeling really good – as it turns out, a little too good. The migraine-derived manic energy has given way to other typical symptoms: head pain especially around my eyes, dizziness, tiredness, sadness and hopeless thoughts, and sensitivity to light and sound. Now I'm debating between watching a favourite movie with the sound turned low or going to bed and indulging in self-pity until my husband gets home in a few hours. I'm also beginning to worry that this is a beginning of another round or torrential migraines and that the new medication isn't going to work. I think I need to stay present and mindful so that I don't fall into the spiral of doomsday thinking. I'll look for the positives: yummy macaroni and cheese for dinner, snuggly cat to cuddle and cozy living room.

'Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it.' – Ovid

I have mixed feelings about my new migraine medication, sandomigran.

On one hand it's working really well on my chronic migraines. When my neurologist prescribed it, he warned me that the side-effects included sleepiness, constipation and weight gain. I wasn't too worried about the sleepiness because I often don't sleep very well. As it's turned out, they should be called twenty-minutes-awake pills. I fall asleep almost as soon as I take them. Constipation hasn't been an issue. The weight gain is the one occupying me right now. I wasn't worried about gaining a little weight because I had lost a bunch of weight over the last few months of being constantly nauseous from migraines. The upside is that I now eat anything I want, as much as I want. I almost never feel full. I've realised I need to use visual portion control to make sure I don't balloon up too much. I've also implemented a low-carbs and no dessert after 8pm diet. Hopefully I have the will power to maintain this plan.

'"Thank you" is the best prayer that anyone could say.' – Alice Walker

The reason I'm feeling thankful tonight is because I haven't had a migraine in a week and a half (knock on wood). This is despite doing several things in the past week that often would lead to a migraine: shopping in the city all day, teaching a class with new material and forgetting my pills one night. Based on all this, I'm going to declare the combination of my new medication and kinesiology a success.

'Strength is the outcome of need.' – H.G. Wells

I'm playing mind games with myself at the moment. This always happens after I've had a prolonged illness or condition. I get hyper-sensitive to signs that the condition might be coming back. So because I've had such persistent and debilitating migraines for the past few months, I'm trying to look for any sign that I might be getting a migraine while simultaneously trying to enjoy every migraine-free moment. I know this vigilant dual-personality will ease as the new medication and kinesiology brings consistent improvements, but for now there's a lot going on in my head. Despite that I'm extremely grateful that things are improving and I've come through it ok. They say adversity makes you stronger so maybe this has added another age ring to my core and toughened me for the next round of adversity.

'All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.' – Charles M. Schulz

I'm doing two things this week which will hopefully help the frequency and severity of my migraines. However, the fact that I'm doing anything different does indicate that I still want control over them despite starting to come to terms with the chronic, unending, incurable nature of them.

Firstly, I'm starting an Elimination Diet today (this is a link to a helpful website, and here's another one) to see if there are any foods I have been avoiding that I could be eating and any that I should now be avoiding. It's been about seven and a half years since I was diagnosed with chronic migraines and first did an elimination diet. At that time I found it really difficult and stressful – all the meals I made were bland and repetitive, I lost lots of weight and had low energy, and I started cheating ('reintroducing' foods like chocolate) earlier than I was supposed to.

This time I have spent almost a week thinking about why I'm doing it, figuring out what didn't work last time, making contingency plans and devising many meal options. I'm doing it because I'm sick of feeling like crap; I don't know if an elimination diet cleanse will help, but I'm hopeful. What didn't work last time was that I didn't have any treats so my sweet-tooth and lack of will power meant I cheated with chocolate. This time I have a list of things I'm still allowed, and have splurged on some nice tea, fancy vegetable chips, fresh herbs for extra flavour and fresh fruit juice plus I have frozen berries for desserts. Finally, I've figured out that I can still make lots of meals with only minor alterations – risotto because I don't use cream and butter anyway, I'll do without cheese this time; veggie stir-fry without capsicum; red Thai curry with minor adjustments; quinoa salad; yam lasagne without the tomato sauce and cheese might be ok; homemade sushi rolls without the soy sauce or mayonnaise and the list goes on. They won't all be brilliant, but they will be better than the unflavoured rice and two steamed veggies I was subsisting on last time I did the elimination diet.

Secondly, this week I'm going to see my neurologist to see what he suggests I do about medications. I don't want to stay on Topomax unless he can assure me that being sick with various colds, infections and tummy bugs for the past eighteen months is not a side-effect. Also, ideally I would be on something less serious, but given how poorly I have been coping the last few weeks on a lowered dose (2+ migraines a week, missing weddings and other social engagements, barely being able to think straight sometimes at work, sleeping or in pain while at home spending 'quality time' with my husband etc.) I may just have to accept whatever will make life manageable again. I need to keep reminding myself: treatment plan not a cure. If I find a medication to go with the love and chocolate, I'll stick with that because the alternative is not a life I can live.