'A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success.' – Elbert Hubbard

For the past few weeks I’ve been desperate from having migraine on top of migraine. It got to the point where I was willing to give anything a go. I almost went to my doctor for botox, which I’d already decided when I was healthy was not for me. I’m not comfortable having that virus, even if neutralised, injected into my body. I also almost investigated electro-shock treatments, which I had also ruled out in the past because it seemed too drastic and poorly understood. So I went with kinesiology. I had read mixed reviews about its legitimacy and effectiveness, but at least it was non-invasive and claimed to get to the base causes of the migraines.

I’ve been to two sessions so far and will go to one more. The recommended number of sessions is between three and five. I liked the idea that this would not be an ongoing, eternally money-draining treatment. After my second session, a little over a week ago, I felt no pressure from the practitioner to book another appointment, which was a nice change from other experiences I’ve had. 

The sessions themselves have been strange and mystical. I’ve had to keep an open-mind as the practitioner stood over me muttering to herself and moving her hands through the air. Other times during the session, though, she used pressure points, tuning forks and emotive questions. While I lay on the table and she directed energy around me, we talked about my past, my relationships, my mood and other possible contributors to this cycle of intense migraines. I didn’t know what to expect and was hopeful, but not sold on the possibilities offered by kinesiology.

Since my first session, I’ve begun to deal with the depression that was weighing on me as a result of the endless migraines. I’m keeping a diary to help me be more in touch with negative emotions, which I tend to suppress. I’ve been meditating more and working on forgiving my mum and myself for our parts in a traumatic family event that occurred several years ago. The stress from that time triggered my first spiral of migraines. I had a wonderful, honest, tear-filled conversation with my mum the other day and feel ready to properly move past that event. Now I’m beginning the whole process again for my husband and my parts in our marriage issues last year. 

I don’t know if these actions will cure my chronic migraines, but they will make me a happier, more secure person, which isn’t a bad thing. In the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling more positive about the future and about getting a handle on the migraines. I have had less frequent and less intense migraines. Some of that might be down to the new migraine medication I’m on, but some of these changes had begun before I started the medication and before the month-long ‘see if the dose is right’ period concluded. (On a side note, I don’t think the dose is right, but I’ll follow the instructions and wait another week before I raise it.)

So I would give a limited recommendation for kinesiology. You need to be accepting of alternative therapies, open-minded and you may end up working through some painful issues. If you think doing this will help you with migraines, or whatever else you’re suffering from, then find a registered (applied) kinesiologist and try it. 

'People grow through experience if they meet migraines honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.' – Eleanor Roosevelt

I haven't written on this blog for a while. This much is obvious from the dates of posts. I hadn't really thought about posting because this blog, like many other simple routines, went out of my head for the last month or so. I've been getting about two migraines a week and that, I think, has led to mild depression. One of those factors would limit my ability to write, but two has slowed word count  production right down, and I didn't even care. In fact, it didn't even register until about a week ago.

Now that the migraines are back to about once a week and things are looking up again, I'm back. I feel like I should tie up some loose ends from the past six months of this blog. Then I'll move on to new topics in the coming posts.

New Year's Resolutions:
Yoga/meditate – I have not got into the habit of doing it three times at week like I had planned. I manage about once a week, formally, then meditate informally whenever I can: on the tram, walking home, when it's quiet in the office, in the shower or before bed. I was loaned an excellent book recently called The 5-minute Meditator by Eric Harrison, which talked about ways to incorporate more meditation into daily life. I will keep striving for more yoga and meditation, less TV and internet time.

Water – I have accomplished this one. I am drinking at least 1.5L a day, often more. I will try to keep this up. Although I haven't noticed any miraculous benefits, I'm probably healthier for it.

Topomax – I am almost totally weaned off Topomax, but not onto herbal alternatives. Based on the past few months of horrific, regular migraines and my resulting inability to cope, I am going onto a new drug, Sandomigran. In the two weeks I've been on it, it hasn't cured my migraines, but they have eased. I can still raise the dose if I need to and my neurologist assures me there are other things we can try if this one doesn't work.

Alternative treatments – I've tried two and a half new ones by my count.
Regular acupuncture: Acupuncture with a chiropractic adjustment seems to help keep things loose and working properly, especially around the time of my period. Weekly acupuncture was a nice, little, relaxing treatment on a Friday night, but it didn't seem to do anything about the relentless migraine spiral I was in. It's too expensive to keep up without major benefits on the migraine front.

The elimination diet: It had no effect whatsoever unless you count the general cleanse. I learned some new recipes, tried some new foods and am more aware of preservatives, sulphites and other similar baddies in processed foods. In terms of migraines, there was no change.

Kinesiology: I'm in the process of trying Kinesiology to get to the root of my chronic migraine problems. I'll post more about this later, but for the moment I'll say that the treatment sessions are a bit unusual, but my practitioner makes some interesting points about trauma manifesting in the body, suppression of anger and other emotions, and depressive tendencies which I can see in myself.

'Heaven have mercy on us all… for we are all somehow dreadfully cracked about the head, and sadly need mending.' – Herman Melville

This week I'm trying to have mercy* on myself. When I've been struggling to open packaging instead of doing it with scissors, or trying to do another household chore before some self-imposed deadline while exhausted from my latest migraine, or berating myself for all the things I should have got done at work if I was more efficient at helping students and leaving time for paperwork, then I hear a little voice cry, 'mercy, mercy, mercy.' It's like when we were young and would get Indian burns (before political correctness) or have thumb wars until someone begged mercy. It reminds me I'm only human; I don't need to do it all; the world's not going to end if I don't… and all those other mantras I've tried over the years.

I've also come to see my migraines as a cry for mercy from my over-firing brain. The Elimination Diet (and subsequent dietary limitations) are ways of minimising the brain's stress. Taking a nap or meditating are nurturing the brain when it starts to beg for mercy.

I don't know if this mercy mantra will last any better than the others, but hopefully like the others it will serve its purpose for a time. I will remind myself to be more merciful toward myself, remembering what I can and can't do, and that might spill over into being less stressed and judgemental about others as well.

* This idea of mercy, little seen in today's world, comes from a friend, Judy, who is writing a book about it.

'Mr Holmes, they were the footprints of a gigantic hound!' – The Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Migrain-gnaw

The neighbour’s dog is yapping,

Someone’s phone is ringing,

A helicopter hovers too close, rotators pounding.

Sitting at my desk, working my way through inbox messages,

I notice a hunted feeling.

Could this mean my loyal companion is back?

For a second my vision blurs. 

I shiver.

Later, I am chopping carrots for dinner

When the hunter returns.

Ah, my loyal companion is back.

Now the room dims momentarily and a growling fills my ears, 

muting the TV news.

Suddenly,

The hound has my whole head locked in its jaws.

I can see no light,

I stare down its gullet. 

The pressure tightens,

pain stabs my neck, 

As it tries to rip my head from my body

With its predator death-shake.

I escape long enough to put down the knife,

Crawl away while it stalks my heals.

I hide for a time in the dark of the bedroom,

But it comes for me still,

Slathering for more.

'All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.' – Charles M. Schulz

I'm doing two things this week which will hopefully help the frequency and severity of my migraines. However, the fact that I'm doing anything different does indicate that I still want control over them despite starting to come to terms with the chronic, unending, incurable nature of them.

Firstly, I'm starting an Elimination Diet today (this is a link to a helpful website, and here's another one) to see if there are any foods I have been avoiding that I could be eating and any that I should now be avoiding. It's been about seven and a half years since I was diagnosed with chronic migraines and first did an elimination diet. At that time I found it really difficult and stressful – all the meals I made were bland and repetitive, I lost lots of weight and had low energy, and I started cheating ('reintroducing' foods like chocolate) earlier than I was supposed to.

This time I have spent almost a week thinking about why I'm doing it, figuring out what didn't work last time, making contingency plans and devising many meal options. I'm doing it because I'm sick of feeling like crap; I don't know if an elimination diet cleanse will help, but I'm hopeful. What didn't work last time was that I didn't have any treats so my sweet-tooth and lack of will power meant I cheated with chocolate. This time I have a list of things I'm still allowed, and have splurged on some nice tea, fancy vegetable chips, fresh herbs for extra flavour and fresh fruit juice plus I have frozen berries for desserts. Finally, I've figured out that I can still make lots of meals with only minor alterations – risotto because I don't use cream and butter anyway, I'll do without cheese this time; veggie stir-fry without capsicum; red Thai curry with minor adjustments; quinoa salad; yam lasagne without the tomato sauce and cheese might be ok; homemade sushi rolls without the soy sauce or mayonnaise and the list goes on. They won't all be brilliant, but they will be better than the unflavoured rice and two steamed veggies I was subsisting on last time I did the elimination diet.

Secondly, this week I'm going to see my neurologist to see what he suggests I do about medications. I don't want to stay on Topomax unless he can assure me that being sick with various colds, infections and tummy bugs for the past eighteen months is not a side-effect. Also, ideally I would be on something less serious, but given how poorly I have been coping the last few weeks on a lowered dose (2+ migraines a week, missing weddings and other social engagements, barely being able to think straight sometimes at work, sleeping or in pain while at home spending 'quality time' with my husband etc.) I may just have to accept whatever will make life manageable again. I need to keep reminding myself: treatment plan not a cure. If I find a medication to go with the love and chocolate, I'll stick with that because the alternative is not a life I can live.

'I'm for truth, no matter who tells it.' – Malcolm X

Despite the realisation a few weeks ago that I would never find a cure for chronic migraines and needed to establish a good management plan, I find myself wondering more and more about what's causing mine. I don't know if this is more magical thinking: If I just find the first cause and fix that, then everything will be better. Since I was diagnosed with chronic migraines almost a decade ago, it's bothered me how unconcerned the medical profession is about finding the cause. As long as they're treating the symptoms (usually with medication), then that's good enough. I realised that even my current alternative therapists, chiropractor and acupuncture, are mostly about treating the symptoms and getting me through the migraine incident.

I feel there must be some underlying cause more compelling (and treatable) than inherited pre-disposition. Why do I have chronic migraines and my mother, grandmother and aunt only have one or two a year? Why does my body feel a need to react to stress with a migraine? Why when I don't sleep well or have a build-up of muscle tension do I get a migraine, but my husband just gets a little grouchy?

I've got some ideas of how I might be able to answer these questions for myself or waste money trying. 1) A friend suggested kinesiology by which she means applied kinesiology. Wikipedia, the source of all truth, says it's unproven and 'no more useful than random guessing.'
2) A few years ago a fairly sensible colleague mentioned hypnotherapy as being effective for an ailment she had. Wikipedia is more positive about hypnotherapy and even cites a 1995 study that said, 'The evidence supporting the effectiveness of hypnosis in alleviating chronic pain associated with cancer seems strong. In addition, the panel was presented with other data suggesting the effectiveness of hypnosis in other chronic pain conditions, which include… tension headaches.'
3) I could do my own literature review to read about migraine brains and what makes them different.
4) I  may try an elimination diet again to see if there are any new foods I need to avoid or ones I have been that I can now eat again.

This is probably another attempt to control and understand the uncontrollable and little-known.

'A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his migraines.' – Hippocrates

I have been falling off the less-screen-time wagon lately. After having a migraine yesterday and a severe headache all day today, I am clambering back on that wagon tonight. Instead of collapsing in front of the TV for a few hours before bed tonight, I decided to do yoga for some of that time. About halfway through the routine I felt my mind slow and the frenetic energy of my body ease. It was a wonderful feeling and validated why yoga is better than TV. I've come out of it feeling calmer and, I was going to say in control but that's not accurate, it's really more a feeling of ease with the present.

I have a theory that slower brainwaves, like being in a meditative state more than a stress-response state, is one way to reduce the incidence of migraines. I feel like too much TV gets my neurones firing and makes me wired, which is often how I feel before the lethargy, confusion and pain of a migraine sets in. I did a quick internet search to see if I could find anything on brainwave states and migraines, but I haven't found anything really legitimate and scientific looking yet. YouTube has many clips of 'binaural music', which supposedly 'entrains' deep relaxation or slows brainwaves and thus stops migraines. I'm not holding my breath that it's the magic cure we've all been waiting for, but I might try listening to them sometime.

I guess what tonight is about is breaking out of the easy routine, trying something potentially healthier and maybe learning something new about how my messed up brain works. I succeeded in breaking my normal evening TV-watching pattern, I did a healthier activity, but I haven't found what I'm looking for about the effects of alpha or beta brainwaves yet.